Surrender!
Reflections on a year that changed my life.
How will I feel when I look back on 2023?
In May, I sold THE GLITTERING EDGE and its sequel. I adapted a story for WEBTOON, which challenged me to write in a completely new format and use SO FEW WORDS to tell a story (it’s difficult but I’m getting better at it).
I also spent many nights and mornings crying from exhaustion. It’s a cliche, but achieving your long-held ambitions doesn’t lead to a lasting sense of fulfillment. After I announced my book deal, the publishing-industry dopamine hit wore off and left me dusty and confused. Because, as so many writers have already said, the goalposts keep moving. Wanting to write a book turns into wanting an agent turns into wanting a book deal, and already I see the glimmer of shiny new goals on the horizon. And with that comes anxiety, second-guessing, and so much fear.
The only solution I’ve found is to keep my head down and focus on the work.
In 2023, I’ve had so many ideas for books, short stories, and other projects I’m not brave enough to talk about yet. How do I make these ideas real? How do I make other people feel what I feel when I picture these stories? These questions make it easier to forget about all the publishing-related things I can’t control.
Finding time to focus on the ideas themselves is always a challenge. I have a full-time day job that I love, but it’s a challenge all its own. I also need to see my friends and family all the time, because if I don’t, I will shrivel away. I’m constantly in search of balance between my day job, my social life, and my writing life.
But what IS balance? As time goes on, it feels less like something I can achieve and more like surrender. We can work until we have nothing left to give, and we still may not get the outcome we want. Anyone can be a victim of shitty circumstances.
So, instead of trying to control my output, I’m trying to take care of myself first and figure out how to be creative second. When I’m tired, I’m trying to just…go to bed. This isn’t revolutionary, but in a world that worships hustle culture, it feels weird. Shouldn’t I push through? Sometimes, I guess. But I want to believe that the stories I create will be even better if I’m rested and present in the rest of my life. If I have a goal for the new year, it’s to rest without guilt.
So here’s to 2024. Here’s to our inboxes, our Scrivener files, our very comfy beds, and the books we haven’t read yet but will change our lives once we do.
And here’s to surrender.